


The Erosion of War

by NotEvenThat



Series: Canon Based Fics [6]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst, Canon Compliant, Episode: s02e18 Awake Arise Or Be Forever Fallen, Hurt Alec Lightwood, M/M, Post Awake Arise Or Forever Be Fallen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 20:02:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11676096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotEvenThat/pseuds/NotEvenThat
Summary: Maybe, if Magnus had left him because of something he'd done, Alec would be able to accept it. Maybe, if he had fucked up so bad that Magnus had wanted to flee from him and never see him again, Alec would be able to move on.That wasn't what had happened, though. Magnus loved him and Alec loved Magnus more than anything. That's what hurt the most. Knowing that if things had been even a little bit different, if the universe had given them even a little bit of room, Magnus wouldn't have had to leave.





	The Erosion of War

**Author's Note:**

> Yet again, another quick drabble. After this, I'm going to sit down and try and write something longer. I just needed to write something as a warm up and right now, there's nothing on my mind but that episode.

Alec walked back into the Infirmary in a daze. The tears that had welled in his eyes had run dry and the pain that he had felt swarming in his chest had dulled, until he felt nothing at all. He knew what had happened. He knew that Magnus had left and he knew that he wasn’t planning on coming back anytime soon. At least, not to see Alec.

He always felt that if Magnus left him, it would be because of something he did. For almost their whole relationship, Alec had been waiting for the other shoe to drop. He’d been waiting for Magnus to realize just how inexperienced Alec was, just how clueless he was and leave. He’d expected it in the beginning. Every time they saw each other again, he thought it would be the last time. They’d go on their first date and Alec would mess up so bad that Magnus would leave. They’d go on their second date and Alec would ruin it. They’d curl up in the loft for the fifth time and Alec would somehow destroy whatever Magnus saw in him.

That wasn’t what happened though. It was nothing Alec had done. Even his self loathing wasn’t thick enough to trick him into thinking that. Magnus _loved_ him and Alec loved Magnus more than he had loved anything ever. He loved Magnus like he loved his siblings; completely and utterly unconditionally. He loved Magnus with absolutely everything he had. 

Every time Magnus walked into the room, Alec’s heart pounded in his chest like it was the first time. Every time he ducked down to press his lips against Magnus’s, he caught himself swarming in dizziness, unable to think of anything other than the feeling of Magnus against him and the curve of his smile as they kissed each other. Every time Magnus reached down and laced their fingers together, Alec was frozen by the thought of how _lucky_ he was to have this man touching him.

Maybe, if it had been something he had done, Alec could accept it. Maybe, if Magnus had been unable to forgive him for lying. Maybe, if that had completely broken Magnus’s trust in him, maybe if that had ruined what Magnus felt for him, he’d be able to accept it but that's wasn’t what had happened.

Magnus wasn’t mad at him. He wasn’t disappointed. He wasn't hurt by what Alec had done, not enough to make him decide to leave. They hadn’t drifted away. They’d hadn’t fought. They hadn’t woken up and realized that they were completely incompatible but the _universe_ had decided that for them.

They were doomed from the moment that Alec was born a shadowhunter. From the moment, centuries ago, that Magnus had been born a warlock. From the beginning of time, from the first shadowhunter to ever utter an ugly word about downworlders, from the first blood ever slayed unrightfully by an angelic blade. Maybe, if they had met a couple of decades in the future. Maybe, if they had met a few years later, when the war that they were approaching had boiled down and come to a resolution. Maybe then, they would have worked out.

But they hadn’t. They had met here. In a time when a conflict that had existed for centuries was finally coming to it's head. In a time when the downworld was finally rising up against the people who oppressed them and Valentine was back, dead set on destroying all of them before they could do that.

Alec couldn’t even understand the chances of that. He couldn't even comprehend the odds of that happening. Maybe, if they had met even one year later than when they had, it would have worked out but they had met _here._

And nothing in the world hurt more than knowing that if things had been even a _little_ bit different, if the universe had shifted even the smallest amount, if something, _anything_ had just fallen in and given them the smallest bit of room, then Magnus wouldn’t have had to walk away.

Alec walked back into the Infirmary and when Jace caught his gaze, worried and concerned because he could feel it, he could feel the _pain_ in Alec’s chest, Alec looked away because even that was too much to handle.

For the first time ever, Alec wished that he hadn’t been born a shadowhunter. He couldn’t even comprehend what his life would be like, if he wasn’t one. Being a shadowhunter was all he knew but if he was a mundane, then Magnus wouldn’t have had to leave him. He wouldn’t have had to choose between Alec and the people he was sworn to protect. Maybe, if they were all mundane, Jace wouldn’t be so broken all the time. Max wouldn’t have almost died the night before. Isabelle wouldn’t wake up, reeling from nightmares of demons killing everyone she loved.

But, he was a shadowhunter. The runes all across his body proved it and Alec could still remember the feeling of Magnus kissing down his body, pressing his lips against every single one.

Alec would never trade his life away. Not for anything, not even for Magnus but in that moment, Alec would have burnt every single rune off his body, if it had meant that Magnus would come back to him.

But, he couldn't and Magnus wouldn't have walked through that door, even if he had. 


End file.
